I'm Still Not Right

Today was the day that I got to experience for the first time the reality of the hold that autism has on my child. Now we all know that Chris has his sensory issues, he's a sensory seeker, meaning that he seeks out rough play, noise, movements, anything that would stimulate his every sensory need and give him the input he thrives. Which is why I did not think in a million years that this baby would have a terror strickened meltdown at Seabreeze today.

Every year we attend the Time Warner picnic with my mother and last year Chris enjoyed it. He went on the rides, I don't think he was sure what to make of them until they started moving, but he never seemed to be terrified, or of course I wouldn't have brought him today. Well, Chris also didn't have an autism diagnosis last year and so again, we learn through trial and error with this child, except we caused him so much agony by not knowing that this would happen, and I am sick over it. It's 10:15 p.m. and he's been fine since, but I am still not right from the experience.

Seeing him in a flight response as if someone was chasing after him with an ax, digging and gripping at Chris's chest, the look of horror on his face will be forever etched in my mind. Running toward a way out in complete panic was disturbing. Of course there are kids who are afraid of certain rides, etc...yes, that comes with the age for some, but this was the agony of autism at it's finest. So I lost it at Seabreeze of all places, I couldn't hold it in. It pains me to know that he will not be able to enjoy some of the things that most kids do with special needs or not.

More torture tomorrow for this child. He's going for an EEG because he may be having seizures. They have to glue 30 probes onto his head...I wish they could sedate him for it because I don't want to have to see another look like the one I saw today on his face.